Be a good example: Anxiety is readily contagious within families, and so it will be helpful to look at your own levels of stress and anxiety and to notice how you cope yourself as a parent.
Model emotional language, and actively engage in coping strategies yourself.
Make time for yoga, mindfulness, meditation, music, exercise, or whatever helps you feel calm and grounded.
Take time for yourself. Don’t be afraid to implement family activities that are geared towards relaxation, such as an evening walk, exercising together, or working on an activity together like a giant jigsaw puzzle.
Identify your own emotions and those of your child. Identifying and discussing emotions when your child is very elevated and restless with stress and anxiety may not be the best time. At that moment, guide your child to do something to relieve stress.
The cozy corner: You may want to have a cozy corner in your house that is filled with sensory objects your child enjoys. A swing or cozy chair, soft blanket, aromatherapy, music or calming sounds, pleasing photos, and fidget toys, are all good additions to the cozy corner. Show your child how simply sitting in a cozy place and focusing on pleasant objects can bring their anxiety down.
Get prepared: When it comes to stressful situations like a test at school or performance for dance, or a presentation in front of the class, label and describe what anxiety can feel like.
Guide your child to be prepared by studying or practicing over the weeks before the stressful event rather than in a cramming sort of manner. Show your child that they can be the boss of their stress by being more prepared.
Help your child make the connection between worry and not feeling well: Children who spend a lot of time worrying also spend a lot of time in the nurse’s office, missing activities, stressing before tests. It is our job as adults to help them make the connection. Utilizing a clever character called ‘the Worry Monster,’ the book From Worrier to Warrior is a good resource for parents to help their kids understand this connection [1]. Teach your child the biology of anxiety. Help your child understand what anxiety is and why it happens and how to cope with stress. A great book to help with this is Please Explain Anxiety to Me. [2]
With warmth and safety, do not let them avoid the stressor: As adults, it is hard to watch our kids struggle with fears or anxiety. First, ensure that your child is safe. If the adults and the experience are safe, it will be important to disallow your child from avoiding the activity.
Do not let your child simply skip school, a test, a game, or an activity. When you allow your child to not participate due to somatization or anxiety, they will feel better for a short amount of time. The next time they experience that stressor, they will be even more afraid than last time because they know that they were unable to endure it the previous time. Now, they are more anxious and will become persistent in their desire to get out of this stressful event. It is easy to fall into this trap as a parent. Yes, listen and support your child but do not get into the pattern of letting your child skip out on anxiety-provoking activities that are healthy and important to them.
Have your child come up with solutions for the anxiety they are experiencing: Talk through the worry with your child and have them come up with their own solutions. This allows your child to feel in control.
Be light-hearted and silly: It is often true that ‘laughter is the best medicine.’ When your child is nervous, try not to join them in that experience. Instead, show that things are not such a big deal through your own light-hearted and jovial demeanor. They might not laugh right away, but they will appreciate that the stress level in the room has come down.
Stand up to worry: You might talk about the worry monster and how it has visited your child. Draw the worry monster and have your child talk back and say “no more.” Rip up the worry monster and throw it in the trash.
Five deep breaths: After acknowledging the emotion, breathe through it. Feelings are like clouds. We let them come, and we let them go. Have your child place their hand on their belly and take five deep breaths in through their nose and out through the mouth.
Visualize a favorite place: When your child is stuck on a worry, talking them out of it will generally not work. Instead, have your child close their eyes and ask them questions. Where are you? What do you smell, see, hear, feel? This experience can be silly if the child prefers that. Their favorite place can be a unicorn-filled land or a fairy garden. Imagine this calm place together. The somatosensory experience can change the child’s entire demeanor, reduce anxiety, and alleviate physical symptoms.
Exercise: When we get worried, adrenaline is released into our bodies, and it generally takes about 72 hours to leave our systems. Exercise reduces this amount of time and can help your child feel safe and grounded sooner.
Put the worry in a balloon: Have your child put their worry in a balloon and imagine the balloon floating away, taking the worry with it. These visuals can be powerful metaphors that put the child back in control of their bodies and refocus their attention on a sense of safety and empowerment.
Set up a worrying time: If your child seems to incessantly talk about worries, it can be a parent’s natural inclination to tune these worries out or simply suggest the child stop talking about them. Provide a time where the child can share their worries for a limited amount of time, 10-20 minutes. Let this be an uninterrupted time. Listen empathically with patience. Look at the facts and remind your child you are both strong enough for anything that comes your way in life. Use a worry box in-between worry sessions, where your child can write down their worry and put it away until worry time. Set up this time at least 2 hours before bedtime.
Best case, worst case, most likely outcome: When we worry, we tend to think of the worst thing that could happen. Help your child map the worst thing that could happen, the best thing that could happen, and the most likely thing that will happen. It is important for us to remind ourselves and our children that most of the things we worry about never come to fruition. Generally, the most likely outcome is something that can be tolerated. If the child understands this, anxiety can go down significantly.
Critical to compassionate self-talk: How we speak to ourselves affects how we feel. For example, if your child says, “I am going to fail this test, I will never understand, I won’t get into….” These thoughts increase our anxiety, causing us to feel awful. Our bodies do not know the difference between real danger and perceived danger. Help your child speak kindly and gently to oneself, just as they do for a friend. Model your own mindful self-compassion.
Set up a time when your child can talk with you about their anxiety and stress:
Choose a regular time each day when your child can share with you about their worries. It may help to set a timer and give your child your undivided attention if possible.
First, listen and validate your child’s concerns. Pick a strategy for managing their concern. Work on listening and validating. Help your child develop their own solution. Some children like to draw out the worry and throw it away. Another strategy to try is to think of the best-case, worst-case, and most likely outcome.
Book References for Somatization in Childhood
[1] Peters, Daniel B. (2013). From worrier to warrior: A guide to conquering your fears.
[2] Zelinger, Laurie & Zelinger, Jordan (2014). Please explain anxiety to me.
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