What is Attachment in Childhood?
Attachment in childhood is the relationship between a child and their primary caregivers.
Early attachment experiences can affect development across the lifespan. Brain development is also positively or negatively impacted by attachment experiences.
For secure attachment to form, a child needs to be safe, seen, and soothed. A child needs to be with safe, reliable, predictable, and dependable caregivers. A healthy bond is important in childhood, and the absence of this bond can cause harm to a child.
Children who don’t have secure attachments can develop insecure or disordered attachments.
How to Help Your Child Form Secure Attachments
Understand your attachment history
Reflect on your attachment history and make changes if needed. You can give your child secure attachment even if your caregivers did not give it to you.
You reflect on your attachment history by reflecting on how well your caregivers followed the four S’s. They are Safe, Seen, Soothed, and Secure.
Safe is being protected and sheltered from harm.
Seen is knowing your caregiver cares about you and pays attention to you.
Soothed is when you know your caregiver will be there for you when you are hurting.
Secure is having predictable caregivers. If your parents kept you safe, saw you, and were there for you when you were hurting, you likely learned how to show up for yourself.
If you did not receive one or more of these four S’s in your life, your goal now is to learn them and give them to yourself and then give them to your child.
The good news is research shows you can give your children secure attachment even if it wasn’t gifted to you.
Create a loving, supportive, and safe environment
Your child needs to know their physical needs are met and that you will keep them safe and free from harm.
For children who have had their attachment disrupted, harsh discipline, time out, and punitive punishments hurt the relationship between you and your child. These methods should be avoided.
Start first by creating a loving and safe environment. If your child needs redirection or correction for behavior, allow them to calm down first. Stay near if you can keep calm yourself. Wait to provide lessons and learning until after your child has calmed down.
Learn emotional regulation skills for yourself and teach them to your child
Emotional regulation is the ability to self-soothe and calm yourself down in a healthy way.
As the adult, calm down first. When you or your child is upset, it is important to not respond from this place. Instead, state that you are going to take a break and you will be back. If your child is upset, and if you can remain calm, stay with your child. Do not try to reason with your child when they are upset. This will help your child know they are safe. Always teach lessons when both of you are calm.
Teach your child to recognize emotions in their body. Help your child recognize where they experience different emotions. For example, do they feel tightness and discomfort in their heart, signaling sadness? When they are angry, does their face turn red? Does your child tense certain muscles? Help your child develop a feelings vocabulary and understand what the sensation of those emotions feels like in their body.
RECOGNIZING EMOTIONS TAKES A LOT OF PRACTICE. KEEP AT IT.
Help your child link an emotion, an uncomfortable feeling, and a healthy coping strategy. For example, when your child is experiencing a painful emotion, help them recognize the emotion instead of having an outburst. They can ride the wave of the emotion and choose a healthy strategy for coping. Healthy strategies include riding a bike, walking, progressive muscle relaxation, visualizing a favorite place, drawing a picture, texting a cheerful friend, having a cold glass of water, drinking tea, and taking a bath, among others.
Get help for yourself. The key to teaching your child emotional regulation is the ability to regulate your own emotions in a healthy way. Many of us were not taught healthy ways to cope, and it may be hard to stay calm. Get the support you need!
Make time for positive connections every day
Help your child know they are loved and cared for by providing quality time for connection.
It looks like 15 minutes of positive, uninterrupted attention. This is a time when your child can share anything with you.
I have found that parents have had success with this strategy at bedtime. Some parents like to include playing a short game while connecting.
This time is special and is not taken away from your child. It helps your child know they are cared for and important.
You can also schedule a once-a-month activity with your child where you do something special together. The importance here is consistency and that it happens no matter the circumstance.
Benefits of Secure Attachment in Childhood
Higher self-esteem
Improved emotional regulation
Increased academic success
Able to cope better with life stressors and setbacks
More positive social engagements with peers
Closer friendships
Happier and healthier relationships with caregivers
Greater sense of self-agency
More trusting, non-hostile romantic relationships in adulthood
Greater empathy
Able to trust life and take healthy risks
Ability to make healthier choices in the face of setbacks and challenges
References on Attachment in Childhood
[1] Siegel and Payne-Bryson (2021) The Power of Showing Up: How Parental Presence Shapes Who Our Kids Become and How Their Brains Get Wired.
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